wordsinmyhead

unsensed.

2008-07-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

My body aches.
My heart,I don't even know how to describe what my heart is feeling.

I'm partly swollen by anger.
Partly by longing.

I'm angry at you for leaving without a note.
For ,just, walking away without even looking back.

Guessing.
Fighting with my own thoughts.

Asking.
Creating answers to fulfill myself.

I envy the heart I used to have.
When you were a part of it.

When you've colored it.
Without me even noticing.

I hate surprise minutes.
When you suddenly appear in my thoughts.

Like now.
Like tonight.

Shall I kill you in my head ?.
Shall I throw you outside my heart ?.

Even the smallest bits of you,
bleed me.

Time To Stop.

2008-07-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

Holding on to such a small hope has never been so hard.
So tiring.
So useless.
Ignored words,
unheard explanations.

I have lost without even owning.
I have been pushed away before even holding close.
I have been lied to even before I know what the truth is.
I have been beaten and bruised.

I don't even know what I was fighting for.
And now..
I feel like stopping.

Lelah.

2008-06-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Aku lelah.Selalu berusaha untuk melupakan.
Terlalu sibuk melupakan,entah apalagi yang tersimpan dalam kotak besar bertuliskan memori.
Aku lelah.Selalu berusaha mencari pengganti.
Terlalu sibuk mencari,entah apa yang ,sebenarnya, ingin ditemukan.
Aku lelah berlari.Selalu ingin menghindar.
Terlalu ingin menghindar,entah apa yang awalnya dihindari.

Tersengal.
Terjegal.
Terjerembab.
Terluka.
Berdarah.

Aku hanya ingin berhenti.
Di satu titik.
Menarik nafas.
Melepas pikiran yang menhimpit.
Tersenyum tanpa harus bertanya,apakah kesedihan akan menyusul dibelakang.

Aku hanya ingin menyayangi.
Tanpa harus menyodorkan syarat.
Tanpa harus disodori syarat.
Mencintai tanpa ditempeli pekat masa lalu.
Ketakutan masa kini.
Kehampaan masa depan.

Aku hanya..
lelah.

Another Night.

2008-06-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

Darkness has cast itself,
covering the day sky,
turning the lights,
changing it in to the dim lights of night.

How I hate it now,
how I despise it,
replacing the stars,
with every memory I own about you.

I am scratching the walls,
filled with images of you.
Trying to find something to hold on to,
so that I could take another step ahead.

It is unbearable.
This pain.
This longing.
This sense of missing a part of me.

Finding someone else to take your place,
forcing them to fit.
Even that hurts me.
Because no one can take your place.

Did things happened to fast,
or even to slow ?.
Was I early,
or was I late ?.

Was it real,
or just a dream ?.
Was it the truth you were telling me,
or just a beautiful lie ?.

A beautiful lie that I would rather have,
then this painful truth.

I just miss you.

Want You To Want Me.

2008-06-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

I am scratching my skin.
Trying to get the feeling off of me.
This vast room filled with nothing but air.
My heart beats every time the mind sound your name.
It's so hard,I feel it might explode.

I know a scream would not get to you.
I can only hope a whisper could.
Trust the wind will blow it to your ears.
Is it so wrong for me to hope ?.
For that one chance.
For that one shot.

I have nothing left of you but memories.
Smiles.
A frown.
A chuckle.
A weird face.
Loneliness has never struck me so deep.
Maybe because,I used to have you.

I am crucified by my own thoughts.
Nailed down by the split images.
The you I've hoped for.
Unconsciously .
The same you I've lost.
Unconsciously.

I just want you to want me.
Try.

The End

2008-05-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

And every thing blurred as tears filled my eyes.
Imagining you in between the stars.
How could we get here ?.
In this land of perfect strangers.
Dry and quiet.
Alone and painful.

If only time was something reversible .
Something I could switch.
Again, I wonder,
how did we get here,my dear ?.
Where have all the laughter gone ?.
The companionship we found through words.
Through the secrets we have shared.

I miss you so much, it aches me to be bone.
While distance is being spread between,
and it gets vaster by this silence you are building around me.
Captivating my thoughts and beauty I have long carved for you.
Even before I know it.

Could these silent wishes bring you back ?.
Could this regret and past time mistakes be glued back together ?.
I cried tonight.
I shattered the tears because the nights are killing me without you.
And what ever we used to have spending it.
Because now it is gone.
Vanished by the wind.
Erased by time.

How can honesty became such a stranger,
when that is all we used to have ?.
How can missing each other be something painful,
once it is done along ?.
Sweet dreams has turned in to nightmares.
Lullabies has turned to a high scratched tone of a sad ensemble.
I just want you to know how much I miss you.

I wish I can tell you.

// accompanied by : Dewi Lestari - The End [ Album : Out Of Shell ] //